Keep Your Head Up Gorgeous...

My university (and soon-to-be Alma mater) requires us to have a pass phrase to access our student email and account information. For years my pass phrase has been 'keep your head up gorgeous'. The phrase came from the beginning of a quote I stumbled upon that said 'Keep your head up gorgeous, they would kill to see you fall.' During tough times the phrase served as a mantra, a token of inspiration that painted me as a heroine set against the world. Of course I never knew who 'they' were so eventually I began to only remember the first part of the phrase; to keep my head up. Today as I fought with yet another glacial paced campus computer, I quickly typed in the pass phrase; not registering the meaning--just spitting back letters to access my account. Shortly after, I called our local Marriot hotel in hopes that my family's reservation still stood--confirmation they would be attending my graduation. The reservation was cancelled. It is at this moment that my pass phrase, that jumble of letters of the past four years, took form again and reminded me to keep my head up, gorgeous. 

There a lot of emotions I am holding right now as I come to terms with the realization that my family is willingly missing the first big milestone of my life. I keep thinking that a year or two from now I will have all the trappings of an adult life--a job, an apartment, a salary, etc--and my decision to travel abroad for four measly months will have melted into the background. I remember fights with my parents during high school; the typical melodramatic teenage dramas and angst taken out on 'the parentals' and I remember thinking how each fight and grounding was the end of the world. Any mistake I made felt as though my family would never recover and the truth is that years later the high school dramas faded away, like water evaporating into thin air. I know that my decision to travel abroad after college rather than jump into a job will also fade as I eventually will settle down and be the adult they want me to be. The thing is that by punishing my decision to travel by not attending my graduation is something I know will not fade away.

Tomorrow at 8:15am I will arrive at the assembly hall in my graduation gown, cap and sash. The sash will have a message written to my father, my inspiration and I won't have anyone to hand it to after the ceremony. Fellow students, both graduating to jobs, unemployment or traveling, will rush into the arms of family and I won't. I am forever grateful to ML, KM and AJ for trying to fill the void my family's absence will leave but it is a hole too vast to cover. It is tomorrow that I will carry the words of my pass phrase with me and keep my head up. With or with an audience, four years of college has boiled down to tomorrow's ceremony and I am proud of who I am today.

--The Post-Grad